hey. first journal entry in a looong while. feels weird getting back to doing this, although i guess that comes with the territory of doing (somewhat) new/different things. quite a bit has changed since the last time i've written last.
but that's not really what i want to talk about right now, so i'll start talking about what i do want to talk about.
i've been having a few annoying thoughts about a friendship i've started online recently (at the time of writing this). it's with this person i thought seemed neat enough for me to actually want to reach out and connect for once (after like 4-ish days of deliberating). she likes some of the things i do and i want to talk to her more since i only talk to like, three people on a regular basis and i want to at least try to change that.
but i get really, REALLY nervous whenever i even think about talking to her again. it doesn't help that we've only really talked like two times total and it's been a good day since the last time we talked and i just generally suck at talking to new people. i keep thinking that i'll eventually end up saying or doing something wrong and messing up everything. it's happened before and i just really don't want to fuck up anything.
i also keep thinking about whether or not she thinks i'm weird or not, even though i'm pretty sure she doesn't. she friended me on discord first and complimented the site, but i guess that isn't enough for my dumb ape brain to truly get. it's just something that keeps looming in the back of my mind that won't go, no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise. i've been like this before but i guess i forgot how draining it is. maybe it's just because i went and asked if we could be friends first, which is something i've pretty much NEVER done. it's always just been people asking me to be their friend or the friendship just starting off without asking. hell, i feel like i got lucky that she even agreed to it.
i hate thinking like this. i just don't want her to think bad of me or be a bother to her for whatever reason. and i really don't want to fall into that thing i do where i talk to someone i think is cool for a while, and then forget to for a day or two, and then feel guilty for not talking to them more, prompting me to get anxious about talking to that person again and making me not want to do that because i think they forgot about me too and i don't want to bother them. please tell me i'm not the only person that does that. please. i can barely take the guilt anymore i NEED solidarity dude. i'm fucking nineteen. i'll be TWENTY next year. what am i supposed to do.
maybe i just suck. she probably just thinks i'm neat too and i'm worrying over nothing for the one thousand six hundred and seventh time.